Christmas Gift and Grief

Warning: There might possibly be a little TMI for some...

Morning of December 23, 2011:
I’m standing in the bathroom in utter shock…for the first time I had gotten a positive pregnancy test! Surely I had gotten a false positive. Or was there a reason I was sick (sick as in I had a cold and couldn’t seem to get rid of it) and was on day 46 of my cycle with no PMS symptoms in sight. In astonishment I went back to the bed and said “Anthony look at this”. I don’t think I’ll ever forget his response “What is that?”..haha! I told him it was a positive pregnancy test and he couldn’t believe it. I remember him saying “are you serious?”.

The first of 3 tests I ended up taking, I didn't believe it

December 26, 2011:
I ended up calling my original OB/GYN office (mainly because it was so much closer than the 40-45 min. drive to the John's Creek area). When the receptionist answered I told her I would like to schedule a confirmation of pregnancy appointment. I will never forget her completely rude tone and response, "Well ma’am we do the same thing you do at home, a urine test. You just need to schedule a first visit". Maybe just reading this it doesn’t sound too bad..I guess you just had to be on the phone. I tend to have a lot of patience with people and I'm usually that person who is extremely nice to anyone I'm talking to on the phone, but for some reason I snapped back at her and said “Well ma’am this is my first pregnancy and I don’t exactly know the routine, so tell me what I need to do”. Anyhow…They had an opening for Tuesday, January 3rd and so I scheduled my first appointment for then. 
**I wasn't exactly sure how far along I was at this point. If I went by the first day of my last period I was somewhere around 7 1/2 weeks...but who knows how accurate that was. Like I had said earlier my poor cycles were so crazy**

January 3rd:
This day felt like it took 2 months instead of a week to get here. Since Anthony could not get off of work, I decided to invite my friend Kalyn to come with me to my appointment. I went through the normal check in procedures and waited for them to call me back. Let me mention, that I had started spotting on Sunday (2 days prior) but it had stopped by the time I had my appointment.

After being called back I did the whole check your weight and leave a urine sample thing, and then waited for Dr. Hamidi to come back. She finally knocked on the door and walked in saying "Congratulations! According to my calculations your tentative due date will be August 13, 2012". How exciting, 1 day before Anthony's birthday! She performed an examine and noted that it felt like maybe I was only about 5-6 weeks along but blood work would be able to tell for sure. I had mentioned that I had been spotting, but she reassured me that that was completely normal. And that was that, they took some blood and we were on our way home.

January 4th:
I remember waking up in the middle of the night with TERRIBLE cramps...to the point where I couldn't go back to sleep. So I camped out in the living room until Anthony woke up to get ready for work. I hated to wake him up since he get's up pretty early. I told him what was going on and that I didn't have a great feeling about it. About 5 minutes later I was in the bathroom...and I won't share with you the details, but it was probably one of the worst experiences ever. At first I was thinking maybe this is normal, the nurse did say I could have some more spotting after an exam. I kept trying to tell myself that, but deep down I knew what was happening...

I waited for the next 3 hours until my doctor's office opened so I could call and ask what they thought was going on/what I should do. They transferred me to the nurses line and I mentioned to her what was happening. She said that could be completely normal (but I knew it wasn't, nobody usually passes that much blood/clots and everything still be "normal"). Her next words confirmed what I already knew to be true in my heart. My hCG levels had come back much lower than they should have been at this piont in pregnancy, but she tried to reassure me that sometimes they can be low and then all of a sudden spike. I would have to go back Friday for more blood work to check and see.

I'm not sure I can fully describe to you the emotions I exprienced the rest of the day. I think only other women out there who have suffered the tragic loss of a baby through miscarriage probably know how I felt. And, as I've learned through this journey there are many, many women who have traveled that road..more than I would have ever imagined. I will say one of the things that has stuck with me, and it may sound strange to some, it really bothered me that sometime during that morning I had to flush my baby down the toilet...no matter how small/young that baby was.

Not just in the good times but also in the bad times...

For the next 2 Fridays I had to go have my blood drawn to make sure my hormone levels were going back to where they should be. I dreaded having to go...I hated having to see all those pregnant women who were there to have a regular check up, while I was there to make sure I had passed everything, and that my body was going back to "normal"...

"..The Lord gave, and the Lord takes away; blessed be the name of the Lord" -Job 1:21



Over the next several weeks I greived and prayed and questioned why God would let this happen. Anthony and I would pray together and I would usually end up crying, but as the weeks went by it became easier to handle. The only thing I had to remember this baby by was pictures of my 2 postive pregnancy tests, no ultrasound picture. I had never really had the opportunity to see my baby and in some respects I feel like that kept me from having that full connection and maybe made it a little easier to deal with. A sweet friend (who also experienced a miscarriage a week after I did) messaged me this song she had been listening to: "I Will Carry You" by Selah...If you get a chance to read about Todd (one of the singers from Selah) and Angie Smith's journey with their daughter Audrey I would encourage you to do so. I think there are a couple youtube videos about it as well. It made my struggle seem so small.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths..." -Proverbs 3:5-6